Don’t Disappoint Her On Your First Night Together – Here’s How To Do It Right
One-night stands are sometimes super hot and there’s nothing like finally sealing the deal with someone we’ve been dating, but sex with anyone new can be pretty stressful. Whether we’ve had one partner or 100, each person is unique, and so is their pleasure points and turn-ons. “We all love sex, but it’s not always easy to please a new girl — what does she like? How does she want to be touched? — but does it have to so complicated?” says executive dating and relationship coach Todd Valentine. One thing that men do wrong when they approach sex with women is that they think like men. “The problem is, sex is profoundly different for women; for them, it’s far more experiential and emotional, whether it be boyfriend sex or casual sex,” says Valentine.
“If you get a woman into your bed and she’s like the Sahara down there, you haven’t done your job. Three words: foreplay, foreplay, foreplay,” says Valentine. Without it, you can have mastered all the technical elements of sex and it still won’t matter. Foreplay can be anything from delving into sexual topics and bantering playfully to actual physical foreplay, like kissing her neck or giving her a massage. “As a guy, you might be able to get it up in a few seconds; but women needed to be warmed up one degree at a time,” says Valentine.
It’s amazing what a person’s body can tell you about how turned on (or off!) they are. “Pay attention to your new lover’s breathing, the way their back arches when you do that thing, their moaning, their stiffness/wetness,” says Billy Procida, host of The Manwhore Podcast. If they look unenthused, stop doing what you’re doing.
Compliment your partner when you see them naked (or half-naked) for the first time, says Astroglide’s resident sexologist, Dr. Jess. “Compliments not only boost self-esteem for those on the receiving end, but the complimenter also receives a boost in confidence. Other than being genuine, there are no rules for compliments. You might say something general like, ‘Wow. You’re hot,’ or get more personal and compliment a specific body part,” says Dr. Jess.
Tease A Little
“Get so close to touching her right… Nope, wait. Right… Wait again. Ah, there. To build anticipation, to get her to beg for sex, you should give her lots of little somethings before you give her everything. And if you don’t remember anything aside from this, I’ll be happy — don’t forget the clit (it rhymes for a reason),” says Valentine. Many girls are far more sensitive on the outside (read: not the vagina), so ample attention should be paid to this spot before the main event, says Valentine.
Play With Words
You may not be close enough to tease out a full dirty talk scene just yet, but a few moans, groans and expressions of enjoyment will help put your partner at ease as she realizes that you’re also have a good time, says Dr. Jess.
Don’t Show Fear
“If you think your partner would like something a notch above Mormon, feel them out slowly. A light bite on the lip, a soft smack on the ass, innocent dirty talk, soft bite on the nipple. If you’re paying attention to your partner’s body like I told you to, you’ll be able to tell if you should do more of that or not,” says Procida. But don’t get too crazy.
“Keep it simple! It’s your first time together. Unless you’ve had a discussion about your mutual kinks, fetishes or turn-ons while chowing down on unlimited breadsticks, keep the gimp mask and ponytail butt plugs in the toy drawer the first night,” says Procida.
You don’t want to throw everything at someone too quickly because that can be very overwhelming for someone new. You don’t have to hide your kink. Just have some tact. If things go well, there’ll be plenty of time to unravel about your favorite types of floggers and role-play fantasies!
“Stress is a boner-killer (women get clitoral boners too!), so relax and focus on the physical sensations,” says Dr. Jess.
“Again, understand that for a woman, good sex is a combination of the physical and the emotional,” says Valentine. Typically, if she can’t relax, she won’t be able to orgasm, either. “It’s not just about harder and faster, but about gentleness, tenderness, and a level of comfort — even if you both know you won’t see each other again. For example, if you’re about to yank on her hair, try running your fingers through it instead. A female friend of mine once told me that if a guy can provide enough intimacy for her to feel a connection, for her to suspend disbelief that it’s special, at least in that moment, the sex is much, much better,” says Valentine.
Find Her Pleasure Triggers
As a general rule, says Valentine, guy on top is the most intimate (you two can have eye contact, kiss, etc.); girl on top is best for her (in terms of physical sensation); and doggy style and beyond are often best for girl who like the feeling of being dominated or want something more athletic/adventurous.
“Changing it up and alternating tempos can be great — if you’re in a porno. But what I’ve found is that it’s best to take cues from how a woman responds and to keep doing what she likes. Like: Is she breathing more heavily? Did her voice just go up an octave? Is she suddenly digging her nails into her back? Or, on the other hand: Did she just go rag-doll under you?” says Valentine. Then it might be time to switch it up.
Don’t Be Pushy
Seriously, stop it. “Either gender can lack respect in the consent category, but I’m mostly looking at the penis wielders who haven’t ejaculated yet. Even if you annoy your new naked person into intercourse when she actually just wanted to watch a movie and make out, there’s a good chance you won’t get a repeat encounter,” says Procida. Defer to the tamer person’s boundaries. Don’t see oral sex as a failure. If you say the sentence, “Ugh, she only gave me a blowjob,” you’re being a serious dick. If blue balls is going to prevent you from acting like a human being, go to the bathroom and take care of it.
Go The Distance
“I said before that sex doesn’t begin in the bedroom; it also doesn’t end when you’ve both (hopefully) gotten off. No matter what your performance was, act confident and assume you did well. Most girls don’t expect to have an orgasm right away with a new guy, and the guaranteed way to freak a girl out, fast, is to apologize or act distant,” says Valentine. Keep your actions consistent. “Was it cute and silly? Then don’t get super serious — stay cute and silly. Was it passionate and intimate? Then I wouldn’t take out your phone and call the girl a cab as you’re taking off the condom (though, kudos if you can do both at once). Cuddle, spoon… whisper sweet nothings,” says Valentine. But whatever you do, don’t make the sex something it wasn’t.
Drop Your Expectations
The more you build it up in your mind, the less likely it will be amazing. “The reality is that first time sex with someone new isn’t always amazing. In fact, it’s often times just OK. You don’t know each others’ bodies, preferences, styles, or turn ons yet,” says dating expert Laurel House.
“But that doesn’t mean that it will always be ‘just OK’. That’s the exciting part! There is so much to try and test and experience. And here’s the really great thing- you might find new methods and moves that turn you on that your exes never tapped into or awakened in you. The key is to be open to this new experience. Touch her body like you are touching a woman’s naked body for the first time (even if this is your 200th). Explore with yourfinger, mouth, tongue, hands, arms, and everything else… Tell her what you like, what feels good, what you want more of. Don’t expert her to move or do what your ex did — that’s like being disappointed by Monet because he doesn’t paint like Picasso. But appreciate the different things that your new lover does instead!” says House.